If you find yourself at a cocktail party this weekend where you may be required to demonstrate your worldly intelligence to the other guests, then The Guardian‘s “Pass notes” series is for you. A complete (and short!) guide to the most important issues of the day.

Because Africa is sure to be a hot topic (isn’t it always?), you can expect that someone will bring up this week’s conviction of Malawian couple Steven Mongeza and Tiwonge Chimbalanga for so-called “unnatural acts.” You, of course, will not be caught unawares, thanks to Pass notes 2,783: Malawi. In less time than it takes to look up the country on a map, you’ll learn that it is known as the “warm heart of Africa,” that celebrities like love the children there, and that negative attitudes towards homosexuality in Africa are your fault. In the event you are not quite sure what to say, The Guardian has you covered on that too:

Do say: “Colonial legacy or not, I object.”

Don’t say: “Do you think they’ll let David and Simon adopt?”

This is not funny.